Yep, I'm one of those.
All those jokes about English majors now apply to me... fully.
I've joined the ranks of starving artists and further-education-enslaved debt accruers.
When people ask me what I'm going to do after graduation, I will now hear that semi-concerned, semi-mocking question that puts racing heartbeats, sweating palms, and longings for an escape route into motion for vague degree candidates everywhere: "So, what can you do with that major?"
Furthermore, parents will look at me on the street, with my mascara- and tear-stained cheeks, notebook in my back pocket, unique (odd) clothing, bag full of books, but empty wallet, and point me out to their children, saying in hushed tones, "See [insert any U.S. president's last name for the child's first name here], this is why you should go into a science-related field. Writers become depressed and financially unstable because they think they can save people's lives with their writing; doctors actually save people's lives and make gargantuan amounts of money."
Being the responsible, perfectionist, worrywart planner type that I am, I decided to do some research on the wonderful, expansive, liberating invention that is the internet.
After looking up my job/salary opportunites for the future, I've decided that my own innovative mind can do a much better job at coming up with feasible options towards actually being able to put meals on my table someday; they are as follows:
A) Continue going to school for the rest of my life and living in my parents' house.
I will defer loan payments forever! MUHAHAHAHAHA! >:)
B) Write last-minute papers for desperate college students for a price.
I know for a fact, as a writing center tutor, that this could work-- Now all I have to do is put ethics in the back of my mind; easy enough, right?
C) Move to the wilderness and avoid civilization.
I read Walden and Hatchet. That's all the training I need.
D) Move into a mental hospital.
Meals on the table every day! People taking care of me every day! Instant friends! Not to mention, an environment that is sure to be stimulating for my writing!-- I'll have a bestseller in no time. My books will be everywhere!-- even the high school classrooms where I do not have to teach!
E) Trick a rich guy into marrying me.
Because The Beatles were wrong-- you can buy love.
F) Walk around with a "Douche Jar."
Withholding references is like walking on the dangerous side... it's oddly exhilarating. Besides, if you don't get the television reference, you're probably a douche anyways. That'll be one dollar, please.
G) Become a "hoaxer" and write the best articles on the sightings of the mythical creatures.
Because I can come up with something way better than a large man in a gilly suit or a log in a lake, and those English classes devoted to persuasive writing should come be lucrative somehow.
H) Become Spiderman.
Much like option G, only you save people, web sling, and if you're the movie version, kiss upside down. Downside: your boss is also the dad from Juno, yells a lot, and unconsciously hates your guts. Also, you will have to become fictional which I hear is a difficult and delicate process that involves much labor-intensive, simultaneous study into the 13th dimension and alternate reality.
Continue reading my blog to discover which option I end up taking!
(Disclaimer: Please note that the above article, though brilliantly written and quite informative, is a work of intense sarcasm and should not be taken seriously. Should you choose to try to support yourself financially with any of my listed ideas, the ethical, social, economical, and psychological failures that you may-- will-- experience are indeed a result of your own volition, or, in many cases, stupidity. Thank you for reading and have a great day.)
I challenge you to reach that, Mr. Mailman, distributor of insane college loan bills!
(P. S. Thank goodness that's not my actual front yard.)
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