Free Money-- I'm not joking (I would not joke about such a serious matter)

Hey friends!

I have been doing this search engine money making site for several months now and absolutely love it!  Every time I search I have a chance to get swagbucks, which can be redeemed for great prizes. 

http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/LCan

A friend of mine showed me that buying 5 dollar gift cards in bulk actually cost less than a 25 dollar gift card so I think I am going to try that.  There's all kinds of tricks to get free money and it's all paid for by companies that pay to be featured on the website.  It's a pretty ingenius system in my book-- they benefit by getting ad exposure and we benefit by making some easy money out of it.  The website has goals for each day and if you meet that goal, you get extra swagbucks. 

And there's so many ways to earn those swagbucks-- not just using it as your everyday search engine (and yes, it's just as good as google)-- you can complete surveys, daily polls, look at ads that you will just click through instead of buy, watch videos, redeem coupons, and more-- all easy tasks that usually benefit the company AND you... things you may already be doing without making money while doing it.

I'm asking you to join this site because I think you will love it and become addicted just like me... and perhaps even makemore money than I am!  The referral program also gives me some extra swagbucks if you join.  It's truly a win-win for all parties.  The only thing I would think you could worry about is the information that you provide during the surveys... and let me give you a secret-- I tweak my information just a bit so they cannot contact me or have my real info and I still get the profit.  So think about joining this now or when you have the time and if you appreciate that I took the time to show you this then follow the link so I will receive credit for it.  A friend of mine showed me this site through the referral program and I was very impressed with how she was saving her new, young family money with a simple search engine. 

Give this some thought-- because it's helping people all over (including debt accruing college grads like me) during a difficult time.

NOW WHAT TO BUY WITH THESE GIFT CARDS??!! :D  (I'm waiting to use them for a bigger purchase I will need to pay for in the future so far... but maybe one or two could go to something fun to splurge on-- I earned these by just searching so I might as well heehee!)

http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/LCan  <----- Follow this link to sign up for swagbucks under my referral :)  Thanks!  All you will need to do is click there and sign up and we can start making money together!!!

Love, laughter, and prayers,
Lauren :)

My sixth "Confessions of a B. U. Grad" article!

Wouldn't be nice if life was as serene as this photo?

Published in the Bluffton News -- March 7, 2013

Negotiating your salary should be a skill taught in schools.  Recently, I faced interview questions asking what salary I would be comfortable with.  I just paused and nervously giggled for a bit (not one of my proudest moments).

After embarrassing myself, I told her that I wanted to feel supported by a salary and appreciated for the hard work that I promised her I would provide the company.  I felt pretty confident with that answer, but I’m fairly certain she wanted something more specific.  And I’m certain that a more specific answer could have helped me further as well.

So how should we answer this question?

Well the only thing we can truly do is to research, research, research.  The internet is actually a great place for credible salary information.  Once you get past the useless or uninformed websites, you can start to understand what you’re worth.  Look up information that is applicable to you.  Are you a recent graduate?  Are you someone with experience in the field already?  What are your qualifications and past salaries?  What are other new hires (or experienced hires) making in your industry and area?  What do you want in a benefits package?

 This can be grueling when you have many positions to which you are applying, but you should really start researching these particulars as soon as you start thinking about these positions.  Choose the ones that you want the most and match your personal career goals, and begin to search online, ask others you know, and do some personal reflection or soul searching.  I have found that one can never do too much questioning.  You need to dig in to the specifics and wash away all that vagueness.  Find your magic number and defend it!  As a previous English major, it almost feels to me like writing a college essay: forming a thesis and providing evidence to prove it throughout the paper.  Not to toot my own horn, but I truly think that English majors are prepared for much more than just writing and reading; their training can be applied to a large variety of different positions and life events. 

On another note, I want to share an update from another article I wrote.  This article detailed the depressing current status of job training.  I am happy to report that I took a part time job that I was not too excited about, but found that the training created an informed and excited spirit in me.  The training was thorough, personal, friendly, and helpful.  It inspired me.

Every day I am learning more, and noticing how life in a small community applies directly to a new life within a larger community.  I think we are all small community people at heart.

Confessions of a B. U. Grad: The Way I See It

Study long and hard, my dear.

Published in the Bluffton News -- February 21, 2013

So, now you’ve received a job.  It doesn’t matter if it’s part-time or full-time, nine-to-five or third shift, permanent or seasonal, your dream job or just a way to make money; no matter what kind of job it is, your work is not done.  Sure, you worked hard on that resume, sent it out to over fifty places, bared your soul on some applications and questionnaires, finally got some interviews after a month or two of waiting, and survived the background check, calls to your references, and the ultra-personal collection of either urine or saliva to test you for drugs.  So, now you’ve received a job, and now, you’re on to the beginning of a whole other predicament.

I’m speaking from experience.

This step is the most important, and unfortunately, there is not much advice for it.

Something I have noticed in most of my past jobs is the lack of training. Adaptability is so important, because with most positions, you are either going to sink or swim— and a new job starts off shallow and rapidly becomes as deep as a quarry.

Why do jobs lack training?

I have my suspicions, but I do not claim to have any expertise in this area.  The way I see it, supervisors have too much to do and too little time to assist others on a basic, personal level.  Perhaps they were thrown into the job at one time with no training or experience, so they feel that you too are supposed to have the same disorienting experience.

The phrase “supposed to” needs to be thrown out of the English language.

Lack of training or assistance when one starts a job is not only detrimental to the new hire, but it negatively impacts any customer, company, colleague, manager, supervisee, etc. involved. 

At Bluffton, I learned that supporting and assisting others whenever they needed it was incredibly important to the smoothness of not only the workplace but to a community.  The way I see it, wherever two or more people gather, a community exists. 

So, now you’ve received a job.  Most likely, now it all begins.  You have a lot to learn and not much training to do so.  If you too want to follow the model that Bluffton taught me, simply be patient, friendly, calm in hectic times, humble when you make mistakes (and there will be those times), hardworking when you know what you’re doing, and observant and aware when you do not.  The way I see it, the best strategy is to be calm and understanding with everyone above you, anyone under your supervision, and, most of all, yourself.

Confessions of a B. U. Grad: Everything Happens For a Reason

Published in the Bluffton News -- February 7, 2013

I never realized how spread out the buildings in my area were until I moved back home after Bluffton. 

If I want to work out, I have to either drive a lengthy distance to an overpriced gym or clear my floor enough to get in some crunches, lunges, squats, and some sad attempts at my own created cardio (i.e. dancing to international hip hop or rap—that way I have no idea what they are saying). 

If I want to take a walk, I should probably drive to a park to do so because cars run stop signs in my neighborhood (yielding to pedestrians is only an option when you’re not in a hurry, apparently—and everyone is in a hurry) and there are many large dogs that are not well-monitored.  Don’t believe me on the latter bit?  Ask my grandfather who walks around with a cane as a means of self-defense not because he has trouble walking.

If I want to meet up with a friend, I have to drive over to their house.  This gets expensive with gas prices-- especially when most of your friends live far away thanks to college.  For my local friends, I sometimes have to stoop to tricking them into carpooling somewhere.  This usually means going out to dinner, shopping, or seeing a movie, however—all money-losing ventures.  That’s when I just start relying on the internet for my social needs.

It’s safe to say that I feel as though I live in the internet now.  I wish I would have kept a tally, but I have probably applied to over a hundred jobs by now.  On top of that, I thirst for the learning I was doing in college so I have been learning from TED talks, blogs, vlogs (video blogs), documentaries and more.  I even write my To-Do lists online now—no more Post-It notes or planners.  I also find recipes to horrify my very traditional family and songs to try out on the piano.  Whenever I have a question, I google it.  If and when the internet goes down, I will be subjected to a confused existence.  I am indebted to my parents for the internet connection, because without it, that would be just another convenience I’d have to drive to instead of walk to after leaving Bluffton.

This brings me to a subject that I have been interested in lately- minimalist living.  It truly fascinates me that people can cut back on “stuff” and be happy living in a small boat, a shed, a 90-square-foot apartment, a bus.  I suppose I experienced something similar in my closet-sized, dorm single in Bren-Dell Hall.       

The idea is also appealing to me because it would allow me to own my own home at a young age.  I already have college loans that I will be paying off for the rest of my life—why add a mortgage?  This is the reason for many people who have subscribed to the new fad-- a tiny-home way of life.  They also get a very customizable home out of it.  One teenage boy built a tiny home on wheels by himself with plans and tutorials he found online.  One couple made a home out of a school bus and raised the roof with parts from discarded RVs and vans.  Another family made their home out of all recycled items, and yet another made a foldable home out of an old chicken coop.  For the latter home, the one-room home had walls that contained all their storage, their bed, their full sized kitchen, full shower and bath, and more available to be unfolded from the walls or tucked back away into the wall storage system.  Some have called this method the home-in-a-box.  I am just glad they were able to get the smell of farm animals out.

After obsessing over these videos for a bit, I look at my room.  I see books and mementos, clothes and shoes, a TV I have been meaning to sell, and storage that I have not looked through in years.  I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Something that I learned from living in a small dorm in Bluffton is that I really do not use as much stuff as I think.  I could write a list of the items that I actually use on one sheet of paper, and I do not think I would really miss the rest of my “stuff” if I accidentally lost it.  However, when I go to throw it away I think, “Maybe I could sell this and make some money,” or “Maybe I really will need this someday,” or even the dreaded, “I could make something out of this someday!” but it sits on my dresser collecting dust instead of transforming into something creative and useful.  I must confess: I have a difficult time parting with “things.”  I am a sentimental person and my mother always taught me to be appreciative and practical with what I am given.

However, these extraneous piles of stuff do nothing for me but add more fog to my life.  It’s a fog that gets in the way of creativity, productivity, and my ability to move on.  It’s a fog that only adds to the uncertainty of my future. 

It’s hard to describe this sensation but living with a lot of stuff makes my current transitioning period even more difficult than it already is.  I see items from my childhood and outdated furniture—familiarity that has been comforting in the past but only holds me back as I attempt to accept myself as an adult with an impending career.

This is why I have planned to rid myself of “stuff.”  It’s a scary and sizeable feat, but I believe it to be just another step in becoming an independent woman secured in her own adulthood.  I am also well on my way to becoming a substitute teacher at some local schools and a private piano teacher from home, excitingly enough, so I am starting to feel some much-needed closure. 

Leaving Bluffton was harder than leaving home.  Let me explain:  When I left home for Bluffton, it was a new, exciting experience.  Home still existed for me and still held out its arms for me when I needed it.  Now, however, I do not have a room to go back to in Bluffton.  Someone else lives in my room.  I no longer am signed up for classes.  I go to Bluffton to visit friends, but my i.d. card no longer works at The Commons, The Sommer Center, or The Musselman Library (though friends swiped for a meal for me in the cafeteria, student employees allowed me to use the fitness center, and the library still allowed me to take out some resources last time I was there).  The graciousness of Bluffton University to still accept as a part of its family is much appreciated, but when I visit, there is still something missing.  I am no longer living there.  It’s a sad realization, and only a reminder that I must go back home and begin a new kind of life. 

This new life is slowly starting to take shape, though.  The lessons that I learned at Bluffton and the culture I inherited during my four and a half years there are puzzle pieces perfectly fitting where my adult needs leave gaping holes.  Isn’t it strange how one stage of our life always leads to the next in such scary but ultimately perfect ways?  The cliché is true: Everything happens for a reason.

Confessions of a B. U. Grad: The Truth Sets Free

The dangers of paperwork!!!

Published in the Bluffton News -- January 24, 2013

Interviews seem to all go pretty similarly.  They ask for your strengths and weaknesses, how you performed at other jobs, how you would perform during a specific scenario likely to arise in that job.  They may ask, “If we asked others about you, how do you think they would describe you?" 

As I answer these questions, I feel as though I probably answer them differently every interview, and I probably answer them similarly to other job candidates interviewing for the position. 

What are your weaknesses?  You want to be very honest with this question, but you also want the job.  I am certain that people do not actually list their true, human-like qualities.  I could never imagine someone answering, “I have a problem with lateness” or “I am not a morning person.”  What about, “I tend to get really lazy towards the end of the week,” or “In the past, I have not gotten along with coworkers”?  I can envision the knowing looks of potential employers and the immediate personal wall that would be built in between the job candidate and the potential employer as soon as he or she stated their true weaknesses.  This is a competition, not a confessional.

Competition makes job searching difficult.  Interviewers must make themselves out to be better than every other candidate in a small amount of time.  When I was in Bluffton, I did not really need to be competitive.  I worked hard on my own coursework, worked one-on-one with my advisor to plan classes, worked with others in a group at times, and was evaluated by my own work—not on my work compared to others’ work.  If the rest of the world worked like Bluffton, the world would be a much better place.

The difference may be due to the amount of people looking for work compared to the small community of people in Bluffton.  Politicians make promises that more jobs will become available soon, that the economy is going to get better soon— soon, soon, soon.  In the presence of this impending shadow of uncertainty, I come to a question that many other job-seekers arrive at—Should I just go to graduate school now?

Thankfully, I have a couple of job prospects at this time; however, I am not getting my hopes up.  In the village of Bluffton, it was fairly easy to hold on to hope.  Walking down the street, attending the university, or visiting Bluffton’s small businesses, I encounter friendliness and smiles.  In Bluffton, I learned to trust people and to trust my own abilities, as well.  How can I take these priceless, gained positives from a small community to a large community full of competition, selfishness, and negativity?

I know that I went to Bluffton University for a reason.  I lived in its quaint community to learn something about people, and to learn something about life.  The university’s sculpture, Constellation Earth, represents this life lesson to me well.  The seven children holding hands in a globe shape represent the seven continents of the earth.  Though this figure is a replica of Granlund’s sculpture in Nagasaki, Japan’s Peace Park, it certainly fits Bluffton, but also the rest of the world.  The figures in the sculpture are nude, symbolizing that underneath it all, we are all the same.  We all have dreams, needs, and fears.  When the world necessitates competition, we can work alongside competition with two mediums.  We can choose to continue our positive, honest, and humble natures (like those that I fostered in Bluffton), or we can choose to change ourselves into something negative, manipulated by a need for power in difficult times.     

I refuse to leave what I learned from Bluffton behind.  I remain hopeful in my job search and plan to stay honest, positive, hardworking, and humble when faced with difficult times like what I face as I search for a job in a difficult market.

The truth sets free.  

Confessions of a B. U. Grad: “Qualifications” is a Bad Word

Published in the Bluffton News -- January 17, 2013

Adolescents yearn for the time when they are treated like adults.  Words like responsibility inspire hope and excitement in them.  They are encouraged to follow their dreams and are always looking forward to the next step.  It is difficult for them to relish the present, or the journey.

I speak from experience.

However, experience is exactly what I have been conditioned to feel that I lack.  It’s true, my life has been spent in experience—each period of my life has been spent in preparation for the next period.  Before I went to elementary school, I watched educational children’s shows and my grandfather started teaching me to read and write; then, when I was elementary I attended an orientation for Middle School that detailed the new concepts of hallway lockers, scheduling your classes, and making it to the classroom by the ring of that fateful bell; in Middle School, the class was lectured that high school would be more responsibility and less supervision—and therefore it was time for us to “get our acts together”; and in high school, I took practice ACTs and ACTs, practice OGTS and OGTs, career assessments, PSO courses at the local community college, and filled out college application after college application.  Each period had its own event within the near future for which to worry and hastily prepare. 

When I made it to college, I thought I was on my way to becoming a “qualified” individual.  In college, I would gain knowledge, skills, wisdom, maturity, a degree, and experience.  Being the first in my family to receive a college degree, and living within a job market much different than that of my parents, professors, teachers, and other mentors, I did not anticipate what I would be met with post-graduation.  I could complete many tasks exceptionally well, but when it came to being qualified for the positions actually available, and within my area, I came up short.

The “qualifications” section of job descriptions became my least favorite.  On job search engines like Monster, LinkedIn, Indeed, Career Builder, and Alumni Central, a College Central Network site that Bluffton University’s Career Development Center utilizes, I would quickly scroll down to the qualifications section before allowing myself to become hopeful.  I found that “entry level” did not always mean “fresh out of college.”  Oftentimes, there was experience needed even before one could be qualified for these so-called entry level positions.  This did not stop me from continuing to apply, however, because I remained hopeful that sometimes a good application was better than having all the qualifications. 

I also found that jobs were overall in a scarce condition.  The jobs that I had researched for fun when I was in college were no longer there.  The searches that I conducted, regardless of how vague I could get them to be, yielded little results.  The results that I did end up with were not full of dream jobs.  There were a few jobs that I thought I could tolerate until I could relocate or perhaps until I stumbled upon some fated perfect job opening in the future, but most of the jobs required a higher degree or a degree in something other than English or Writing (my majors).    

After applying to these jobs that I felt I had a chance at, I waited.  I received a few phone calls from graduate schools or career centers wanting my money, but no calls from places actually thinking of hiring me.  I started to feel emotionally drained from trying to give every application question my all, and I even started to forget which jobs I had already applied to and which I had not.

It is so unfortunately true that the current job market is very difficult to succeed in, and personally, it is apparent that searching for a job is one of the most stressful tasks I have had to face yet.  In order to persevere, though, I will try to channel that impending excitement that I had throughout high school and college.  I have to continue looking out and not freaking out.  I have to remember how I have faced difficult times in the past. 

Something I learned from the village of Bluffton was to remain hopeful and patient in the times of quiet.  While chaos ensues worldwide, Bluffton remains calm and collected—its members put their own problems aside to volunteer their own time and resources to others.  I’ve often heard that the minute you stop thinking about your own troubles, and start to help others, it is then that you receive what you need.  I truly believe that this is why Bluffton is an area of hope, happiness, and blessing.    

When the Riley floods, Bluffton doesn’t stop.  When I am full of uncertainty and discouragement, I cannot stop.  I refuse to let myself accept that I am not qualified for positions available to me right now.  I will keep on searching and keep on planning.  I will keep on keeping on, and lose the extraneous effects of my own problems while in the pursuit of helping others.

Would you believe that while writing this article I received a phone interview?

Believe and persevere.    

Confessions of a B. U. Grad: Missing Bluffton Already

So, I've decided to post samples of my column "Confessions of a B. U. Grad" that I am writing for the Bluffton News since graduating in December of 2012.  I have been sad that I cannot share these tales of transition with friends.  So, friends: please read and comment and rate these posts, because feedback means the world to me and so do you!  Please keep me in your prayers as I face a difficult time emerging into the job world.  Advice, encouragement, consoling, and humor are all appreciated.

Hey look-- it's me! :)

CONFESSIONS OF A B.U. GRAD: MISSING BLUFFTON ALREADY  

Published in the Bluffton News -- January 10, 2013

* Editor's Note: The author, Lauren Canaday, finished her studies at Bluffton University this past December after pursuing degrees in both English and Writing.  She interned with the Bluffton News throughout her final semester of school and wrote several articles for the paper during that time.

Life has its way of surprising us.  As a Bluffton University December graduate, I was anxious for the day when I was done with seemingly endless papers, ill-timed exams, and a late-night, early-morning schedule.  I looked forward to home-cooked meals, more time to rest and think, time spent with my family and dog, and, of course, being closer to more job opportunities.

I found graduating to be a bold transition, though, and not at all as I had thought it would be.  My plans were to settle in at home with my family effortlessly, and to search for a job peacefully over a cup of coffee as I felt the stress of a difficult semester vacate my body.  My personal forecasts were too confident.  I found difficulty in my return home, and I was already missing my personal freedom, my classes, and the village of Bluffton.

I feel as though I must confess my prior complaints of Bluffton’s village.  During the majority of four and a half years that I lived in Bluffton, I grumbled about the distance to a shopping center or Wal Mart, the limited hours of fast food restaurants, or the absence of a place for students to study at into the night.  To be honest, as a city girl, I was used to availability and convenience.

However, when I left the village of Bluffton and moved back to the Toledo area, I realized that Bluffton had had a larger impact on me than I had foreseen.   I found that something was missing at home.  In Bluffton, I had grown accustomed to feeling welcome; I had found an ease to be myself; I had experienced a place where I could become more independent, more purposeful, more “me.”

In Bluffton, there was less pressure to force oneself into the rat race of a steady job, and more emphasis on learning and preparing for the transition into a fitting career.  I no longer had professors with offices or homes within walking distance.  I no longer had a community around me that had observed what I was capable of and encouraged me to tread forward to larger and larger opportunities.  I had well-meaning, loving parents whose thoughts and rules sometimes clashed with mine, and who continued to try to help me by making the bulk of our conversations about the urgency of finding a job before loan bills filled our mailbox.

In reflection, I concluded that the village of Bluffton is a place that has managed to avoid much of the rush.  It is a tight-knit community that greets everyone with a smile, and promotes self-sufficiency and patience.  Its small businesses allow for more personal assistance, and when you see its employees on the streets, at a restaurant, or at Community Market, they often remember you.  It is a place where people deserve more than a hurried “excuse me” or especially an absence of any recognition of existence.

While Bluffton is not perfect, its pros certainly outweigh its cons with magnitude.  Even the ability to see people smiling with their families or walking their dogs around campus was a large positive for me.  These little moments left large holes in my life when I went home.  As for the perceived con of lack of convenience, I was surely wrong.  At home, I no longer had the ability to walk or bike to everything I needed, and I certainly never had the variety of foods and personal service that I received in the Commons of Bluffton University (cooking personalized meals for myself was only fun the first few days).  I could no longer simply walk somewhere to use a computer if mine was not charged or not working for some reason.  I no longer had free service to my computer, either, and pizza delivery had a fee, the library was a car ride away with nearer due dates, and trees, flowers, and empty spaces were fewer and more likely to be filled with the smells of industry.  There were no Blaze of Lights, no Customer Appreciation day, no free academic forums or concerts to attend, and certainly no acrobatic squirrels of various hues to inspire a giggle or two.

I took the Bluffton atmosphere for granted, I think—its aesthetics, its security, its peace and quiet.  As soon as I left, I realized the supposed negative aspects of Bluffton were truly positives that I had grown accustomed to and actually yearned for in my life.  I wanted to continue going to classes, living in a small area, and being close (sometimes just feet away) to friends that challenged me and filled my life with new knowledge and viewpoints.

I came to Bluffton because it was the closest Christian university.  While it was not at all what I expected, it was what I needed.  I formulated my own beliefs, not just those of my parents, and I learned what it meant to be my adult self, the creation I believe I was meant to be.  I stumbled upon new dreams, goals, and ideas.  I fostered a new skill set and name for myself.  I learned a new way of life.

I will continue to visit friends in Bluffton as long as I have them there.  I truly miss and appreciate all the university and village did for me, even when it was just a simple smile or a genuine presentation of the question “How are you?”  While I know these elements exist everywhere, because hope exists everywhere, some places have a larger, more concentrated volume than others.  This is true of Bluffton University and the village in which it resides.  I ask of you to remember, joyfully observe, and continue this tradition on for generations to come.  Bluffton University is full of many individuals like me, who experience a new atmosphere, grow to love it, and live in a reality of constant transition.         

It's all about the money, money, money...

Simple Tuition (a great site for college students, prospectives, and even graduates!) uploaded this picture on their facebook.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But of course the mainstream media would never do something smart and beneficial like that. 

I'm pretty sure a lot of people would watch a show like this because it's relevant. And I know there are a lot of inspiring stories out there of people going against bad odds and getting an education and a future.   What about the success of "The Blind Side???"  That is a much more common story in our country than most think. 

Why not also discuss ridiculous college expenses and then make it a hotter topic in politics?  As a recent graduate, I know there is something really wrong with our country's stance on education.  We are at the bottom of the list when it comes to funding for education and private colleges?-- good luck trying to not be enslaved into paying those off the rest of your life.

No, the media doesn't think stuff like that will sell... and I don't think they're thinking ethically about how they can actually have a good influence with the power they possess.

It's all about the money.

But actually, it seems like it goes deeper than that, because good stories like this would sell.  So why do they show stories and music videos that promote self-destruction? 

Do they want the world to be sex, drugs, and Jersey Shore?  What does the degradation of our youth do for them?

Something to ponder.

Honey Wag-a-Lot: The Tale of a Four-legged, Secret-genius Snow Queen

A dog who knows her worth.

One day, in a faraway land called Ohio, there lived a very spoiled dog.  She enjoyed listening to her human sister play the piano and her human brother play the guitar-- performances simply and only for her.  She enjoyed curling up on soft beds and couches secretly when her human alpha male was away gathering resources for the pack and licking up the last of the yogurt in the small containers that she held skillfully between her perfectly-groomed, fluffy paws.

Honey never understood why the humans with which she resided enjoyed watching her walk around in a circle, but she did so often because it meant she would receive a very artificial but muzzle-licking-good snack that was entirely too little.  She also never understood why they asked her to "speak" but then when she knew there was a threat to the house, was asked to "be quiet!"  One threat she especially loathed was the population of local squirrels because of their taunting antics.  These bushy-tailed mice knew the exact distance at which they could sit in order to be out of her reach and sat in this region flicking their tail at her often.  There was also one squirrel in particular that scratched out his own eye in order to receive the sympathy of her human grandfather who fed the squirrel instead of Honey on many occasions.

Most of the squirrels in the land in which Honey lived where of brown and gray hues.  Honey's human sister told her stories of the rare black squirrel in a place called Bluffton that made her blood boil.  These squirrels were even more pestering and more EVIL, even breaking into the generators to take the electricity away from the humans off of which they lived.  Honey also hated this place called Bluffton because it was apparently some sort of black hole that caused her human sister to be swept away from the pack for months at a time. 

Honey knew that when her human sister started enslaving the rest of the pack to help her load canvas-wrapped items in the fun transportation machine that she would again be sucked into another alternative universe.  This place was hell-ridden with smart alec black squirrels and a fake beaver that could stand on two legs and wore a purple shirt.  This beaver haunted Honey's thoughts and dreams because of its unfluctuating expression complete with a mad scientist-esque smile that looked much like this. -->  >:)  Please turn your head to the left to get the full effect.

Many nights, Honey's pack witnessed her running from this demonic, bipedal, human-sized rodent in her sleep.  Honey's poor, skinny legs convulsed in the air and she wrinkled her nose, moving her whiskers about in horror.

One outlet that Honey used to cope with such fearsome images was food.  She heard her human alpha male call her a "food maniac," but she did not think of such a term as derogatory.  She went on frequent visits to her alpha male's parents' home which she utilized as her own personal restaurant.  She charmed the elderly couple with her tail-wagging and hand-licking strategies that oddly seemed to please the humans into giving her whatever she wanted.  She even received her own bowl by the warm, slitted wall that contained pristine, purified water refrigerated to the perfect cold temperature and had her own stash of candy that Honey made human grandfather keep guarded next to his own throne.

Honey enjoyed the cooler weather because of her all-natural, luxurious fur coat of which she was in possession since she was born.  With this coat she was able to spend long periods out in the snow that caused her inferior humans to shiver.  Her human sister was especially whiney about the miraculous white material that came from the heavens.  Honey would only pant at her with a smiling, secretly-patronizing expression.    

Honey's humans often attached her to a chain that they thought restricted her to staying within the yard.  What her humans did not know was that Honey knew how to secretly maneuver out of her collar and chain in order to explore the depths of her surroundings.  She was caught doing so once in her earlier years living with the humans but acted terribly frightened as she ran back from the busy road she was actually attempting to take over in order to expand her empire.  In more recent years, Honey slipped off into other territories more inconspicuously.

This chain was also a threat to Honey because when the humans wished her to come back inside they would tug on it, signaling to her that they wished her to grace them with her magnificent presence.  Oftentimes, however, the canine did not feel the need to oblige them and would tighten up her neck and plant herself stubbornly in her snowy throne.  She was a snow goddess and no one was going to reposition her celestial body.  Snow was only another method of charm because when she pranced around in it, ate it, and allowed it to gracefully cover her body as she proudly stuck up her black nose, the humans would oooo and ahhhhh, coming at her with devices that flashed light at her that only annoyed her into moving her head to the other side.  She would not permit the annoying devices to steal views of her hypnotic beauty.

The outside chain was hooked up to a piece of clothing that her humans called her "Menards collar."  They attached little accessories to it that caused Honey to annoyingly jingle as she walked.  Eventually, the canine saw the device as a way to announce her impending presence-- like the trumpets that she so clearly deserved.  Something strange that occurred was when the humans would take off the "Menards collar" and giggle saying that she looked so funny and "naked."  This angered Honey very much because she had spent a lot of money on the fur coat that she wore every day and wondered how the stupid humans did not notice.  She figured that their tastes were far too peasant-like to appreciate such sophistocation.

Honey has also appointed her human subjects to certain tasks.  For instance, the human alpha female is her door opener.  When the canine feels the need to rid herself of waste (or even when she just feels like going outside-- no matter the time of day or inconvenience), she uses her nudging strategies to wake the snoring human mother from her peaceful, slumbering state.  Honey was even know to bark and scratch at the sleeping beauty until she opened the door to the outside wonderland.  Honey loved the outside wonderland and the fun transportation machine so much that sometimes when her humans seemed in a hurry, she would push herself past them when the door was open and fill the outside world with her superior energy.  On one particular occasion, Honey even jumped into the fun transportation machine when her humans were trying to go to the cross-topped place where they would stand, sing, sit, hug, shake hands, and listen.  This place intrigued her because it seemed that the humans performed much of the same strategies here that she did in order to receive something from a host. 

Bow down, humans.  This story is unfortunately not of a fictional nature, but authentic, very real... and current.  There is a fluffy-haired, cold-nosed snow goddess in our midst and she goes by the alias "Honey Wag-a-Lot."  She is able and indeed will use her cuteness and seeminly loving nature to manipulate you into giving her limited treasures such as ear massages and massive amounts of gourmet food.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT be fooled by her gentle nature and kind, light brown eyes.  I caution you with wide eyes and hysteria produced by my personal experiences with this canine.  Please do not let my testimony fall on deaf ears.  Her intelligence is far superior to ours and she WILL capture your heart AND your resources.  You will gradually begin to regret the subsequent parasitic relationship that will make you settle in to a miserable, permanently-hosting existence.

The End

Sorry about that-- Needed a silly, creative outlet and this is just what happened.  I love my dog and she is the sweetest little canine with no alterior motives-- haha.  So happy we rescued her and I've been able to spend the last ten years of my life with her!  :)