Relationship Realities: What Cinderella Left Out

The reality of relationships is that there is no perfect relationship.  We watch the old Disney fairy tales, we read the novels (no, not the harlequins, but actual novels), and we dream of what could be.  Sadly, I think a lot of people in relationships think about "what could be."  But I think relationships are pretty obvious when it comes to what should be and shouldn't be.  Maybe my moral compass is pretty strong, but I think we all know deep down when relationships are right.  I've lied to myself before and am so thankful for the lessons learned through those moments, but I've also known a lot of people who lie to themselves in another way, as well: that their relationship isn't the beautiful piece of artwork that it truly is.  Sometimes our lack of appreciation is the actual issue.

As long as I can remember, I have wanted love in my life.  I have memories from when I was a really young girl, shrugging off the "lovey dovey" moments in movies but secretly wanting a partner in life to sweep me off my feet.  I really believe that most people have this desire within them, but not all-- which makes us wonder if it's socially or biologically original... (that's another blog entry entirely...) But let's look at that word: partner.

If I'm "swept off my feet" am I really a partner?  The fact that Cinderella was my favorite Disney princess speaks volumes of what kind of little girl I was.  It was by chance that Cinderella met this prince.  No, not even by chance-- by magic.  I hope I'm not bursting anyone's bubble by telling you that magic IS NOT REAL.

So why on earth do we think a man (or woman) is going to do it all?  Imagine me, in Cinderella garb:

Oh here I am, poor me!  I'm just sitting at home sweeping and waiting for some man to come sweep me off my feet (speaking of sweeping...)  But I don't have a fairy godmother BECAUSE THEY AREN'T FREAKING REAL and I'm not out meeting people because I'm here sweeping.  Sweep, sweep, sweep.  WEEP, WEEP, WEEP!

Reality number one:  A man ain't gonna come a'knocking at your door asking to marry you because your fairy godmother pushed you out the door with a magically altered appearance and no signs of what your true personality is.

Okay, so we already knew that wasn't true, but let's dissect that a little further.  Many times we sit around and wait for a relationship to happen, figuratively so.  It's in the front of our minds often and we dream about it happening so much that when we actually go out into the real world, we've psyched ourselves out.  I don't know about you, but when I think out a conversation or a situation over and over again, the realness of it is completely omitted and I'm awkward and foggy.  Stop waiting, start being genuine.

Reality number two: You ain't gonna find a significant other pushing yourself into that shoe.

In Cinderella, the stepsisters CRACK ME UP.  Their faces are cartoonish (well, duh...) and they are so forcefully looking for a relationship that they don't even consider what kind of man would fit their personality.

I'll never forget something the campus pastor at my university told me after a difficult break up.  I think he had heard it secondhand as well, and I've since past it on to others:  You'll find the person that fits you best while you're doing what you love.  Don't fake anything because you'll find someone that likes you for that fake personality and when you get close to one another: SURPRISE!-- You ain't got love, honey; you got confusion!  Instead, join a club or a social group that promotes what you're passionate about and you'll not only find other people that share your goals and passions, but you'll be looking after your own soul and going after your own purpose.  And what is more beautiful than a person nurturing their innate passions and purposes?  Nothing, nada.

Reality number three:  It's not a carriage ride off into the sunset after you find one another.

You'll hear it time after time after time: Relationships take work.  It's gotten so cliche that I hate this phrase.  And the term "work" doesn't do it justice.  Let's just say Relationships take learning and understanding.  I like learning; I like understanding.

I remember reading Christian romance novels in high school and looking back, they did not prepare me for relationships.  Now, mind you, I really am glad that I read them, because they were fun and clean and gave me a strong base from which to build more relationship knowledge.  However, most of the issues in these novels are more situation-based rather than psychologically-based-- and disagree with me if you want, but relationships are psychological journeys.  You gotta change from the inside, honey child.  You gotta examine your childhood and the relationships that you've used as examples internally, etc.  But in the Christian romance novels, you have issues like women who were orphaned, or a major fire, or the death of the man's first wife.  These are issues that happen to some people, sure, but they are so situational and not necessarily scenarios that help us understand what a relationship is going to be like.  Relationships are emotionally- and psychologically-driven and in order for them to work, you have to learn about one another and be patient with one another.  Be honest with what you want in life, and what kinds of dynamics you want in the relationship, because learning and understanding aren't processes that just happen.  A good relationship doesn't just happen.  Learn about the other person.  Learn about yourself.  And be patient when there is confusion along the way.

But there are actually many of those Christian romance novels now that depict independent, spunky women that aren't looking for a relationship, but, rather, going after their own survival and own interests-- so kudos on that, girlfrannnn.

There are many more Relationship Realities, but these are the ones that were on my heart first.  Maybe there will be another blog entry to continue this (if I get enough feedback-- shameless plug), but I am going to end right here.  I don't claim to be a relationship guru by any means, but I am in a relationship that I love and that causes me to continue to learn about myself and about others and how I fit in the world.  I thank God for where I am today... Cinderella ain't got nothing on me.

    

Was that pep talk for you? Or for me?-- Communication as a Means to Prevent Greed and Conflict.

I have to say-- it's getting colder and colder, and people seem to be getting greedier and greedier along with it. 

I don't have one specific, large instance where this has proved around me, but I just seem to be hearing more and more about money.  Sure, the economy is in a sad state.  Sure, jobs are scarce.  Sure, we have to get creative and employ different strategies in order to make money.

But this doesn't have to give our integrity the death sentence.

This is where I will make a claim that sounds pretty, but also has substance to it that I need you to take in and dissect.

Life is too short to spend chasing after a dollar that will screw you over in the long run anyways. Invest in something that will bring you purpose, excitement, challenges, and happiness.

Now, this statement can mean different things to different people.  For instance, "chasing after a dollar," "screw you over," "the long run," "investing," and pretty much the rest of that statement are all pieces of language that you can personalize to your own circumstance.  To me, "chasing after a dollar" means something much different than what "chasing after a dollar" would mean to an influential decision maker of a large corporation.  To me, "the long run" would mean something much different than it would to a teacher nearing retirement.  To me, "purpose, excitement, challenges, and happiness" all mean different things than they do to you.

This is why I love the ability that humans have to communicate in such broad and universal ways.  This brings me to another broad and universal statement that can concern each individual in a different way.

Good communication practices can help you in every single aspect of your life.  It can also lead to less greed and more fulfillment.

So how could conveying your message better lead to you being less greedy?  Well, of course, this can happen in different ways for different people, but let me offer one example.

Step One) Shannon has been searching for a job with no luck.  She finally decides to go after a job with no benefits, not enough money (by her current standards), but room to work her way up.  What Shannon realizes next is that she does not really know what her own ethics are or what she really wants in a job.  She begins a gradual downward spiral into work practices that she does not feel great about but that bring her enough money to pay off her loans. 

Step Two) Shannon has learned a hard lesson here, but through it has decided to make a change in her life.  She understands herself better and, in turn, now understands how to better communicate her wants and needs.  She makes less money in a more ethical position and cannot always make her loan payments (such is the post-grad life), but she feels better about her impact on those around her and through that lesson, has even begun to implement this strategy in her personal life with much success.    

Step Three) Shannon has been more blunt and individual in her job search because of her increased awareness of self and enhanced communication techniques.  She has earned a job that both supports her massive student loan payments and lets her feel ethical about what she does.  She notices that she thinks less greedily even though she has less money than she did to start off with and feels happier.

You may be thinking, Okay, Lauren.  That was... quaint... but that ain't happenin' for me, honey.

Hang in there.  It will happen.  And it is more likely to happen now if you continue to a) look after yourself, b) remain open and humble, and c) learn, learn, learn. 

Which leads me to a not so broad statement.

If you can't learn, love, and communicate effectively then you will inevitably cause harm to yourself and those around you.  

That's a bold claim, but I truly believe in its power and truth.  Toss your obsessions (like greed) that only get in the way of growing and developing.  Anything that promotes negativity or discomfort in the pursuit of your goals is not only not worth the ethical implications, but also the stress it does to your body, mind, spirit and environment. 

Just trust me-- you are going to be okay.  I believe that most of the conflict in this world (if not all) stems from fear.  Don't act out on your fear because it will cause pain in your life.  Look past your fear and trust that by making the right decision, and committing to learning, you are sowing an amazing future harvest.

But what about those that step in the way?  Well, you might not like my opinion on that.  See, because of my belief that anger stems from fear, I think better communication can at least attempt to help that.  While I am realistic and understand that conflict in the workplace and conflict in any other aspect of life is complicated and more gray than black and white, I also think that by communicating your reasoning for thinking or behaving in a certain way and helping the other person understand where you come from, you can, in many cases, solve the conflict.  Getting to the root of the problem is so important.  Why is the person stepping in your way?  And what factors in their life are behind that reasoning?  What don't they understand about your reasoning and involvement?  So many issues are caused by lack of understanding, education, and communication.

But, as I said, I understand that you cannot solve all conflicts in this matter because sometimes, they go so far into the gray zone that a longer process is going to have to take place, if any resolution will ever take place.  Sometimes it's better to just be the better person and back down, even if it means some sacrificing on your part.

In the end, what I'm telling you (and myself) is to simply continue to learn better communication strategies.  It will affect your ability to understand yourself and those around you, and (hopefully) will lead to less greed, more fulfillment- and less conflict and more rewards.

Be open.  Be loving.  Be calm.

Your Education Ain't Complete... T-t-t-teachers CANNOT Show You... They Gotta Meet a Standard!

Read the below article-- it has some great stuff in it.  Then, if you choose, read my following rant.

A Teacher's Opinion in The Hartford Courant

For me, this could be known as, "Why I did not finish out my English Education major in college and instead chose to pursue writing." I'm still working in a school and thinking seriously of pursuing an Intervention Specialist license, but this government control in our school's is getting ridiculous and I've about had it. You cannot judge educational success with numbers or standards. Instead, you should do a survey of students post-graduation to see if they are happy with the way their education affected their life. They are putting a definition on what "skills" and "success" are, but those are different to everyone... To think that some of the amazing, life changing lessons that I enduring in my education will now need to be eliminated because they don't support the government-mandated "standards" makes me sick. This is why the disparity in academic achievement of differing socioeconomic statuses, differing mental and emotion stabilities, and differing learning abilities and intelligences continues to grow. It makes you seriously wonder whether the government wants logical-thinking, economical, follower types to be the most successful in education and therefore more likely to be employed. Phew... sorry that was definitely a rant.

Free Money-- I'm not joking (I would not joke about such a serious matter)

Hey friends!

I have been doing this search engine money making site for several months now and absolutely love it!  Every time I search I have a chance to get swagbucks, which can be redeemed for great prizes. 

http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/LCan

A friend of mine showed me that buying 5 dollar gift cards in bulk actually cost less than a 25 dollar gift card so I think I am going to try that.  There's all kinds of tricks to get free money and it's all paid for by companies that pay to be featured on the website.  It's a pretty ingenius system in my book-- they benefit by getting ad exposure and we benefit by making some easy money out of it.  The website has goals for each day and if you meet that goal, you get extra swagbucks. 

And there's so many ways to earn those swagbucks-- not just using it as your everyday search engine (and yes, it's just as good as google)-- you can complete surveys, daily polls, look at ads that you will just click through instead of buy, watch videos, redeem coupons, and more-- all easy tasks that usually benefit the company AND you... things you may already be doing without making money while doing it.

I'm asking you to join this site because I think you will love it and become addicted just like me... and perhaps even makemore money than I am!  The referral program also gives me some extra swagbucks if you join.  It's truly a win-win for all parties.  The only thing I would think you could worry about is the information that you provide during the surveys... and let me give you a secret-- I tweak my information just a bit so they cannot contact me or have my real info and I still get the profit.  So think about joining this now or when you have the time and if you appreciate that I took the time to show you this then follow the link so I will receive credit for it.  A friend of mine showed me this site through the referral program and I was very impressed with how she was saving her new, young family money with a simple search engine. 

Give this some thought-- because it's helping people all over (including debt accruing college grads like me) during a difficult time.

NOW WHAT TO BUY WITH THESE GIFT CARDS??!! :D  (I'm waiting to use them for a bigger purchase I will need to pay for in the future so far... but maybe one or two could go to something fun to splurge on-- I earned these by just searching so I might as well heehee!)

http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/LCan  <----- Follow this link to sign up for swagbucks under my referral :)  Thanks!  All you will need to do is click there and sign up and we can start making money together!!!

Love, laughter, and prayers,
Lauren :)

My sixth "Confessions of a B. U. Grad" article!

Wouldn't be nice if life was as serene as this photo?

Published in the Bluffton News -- March 7, 2013

Negotiating your salary should be a skill taught in schools.  Recently, I faced interview questions asking what salary I would be comfortable with.  I just paused and nervously giggled for a bit (not one of my proudest moments).

After embarrassing myself, I told her that I wanted to feel supported by a salary and appreciated for the hard work that I promised her I would provide the company.  I felt pretty confident with that answer, but I’m fairly certain she wanted something more specific.  And I’m certain that a more specific answer could have helped me further as well.

So how should we answer this question?

Well the only thing we can truly do is to research, research, research.  The internet is actually a great place for credible salary information.  Once you get past the useless or uninformed websites, you can start to understand what you’re worth.  Look up information that is applicable to you.  Are you a recent graduate?  Are you someone with experience in the field already?  What are your qualifications and past salaries?  What are other new hires (or experienced hires) making in your industry and area?  What do you want in a benefits package?

 This can be grueling when you have many positions to which you are applying, but you should really start researching these particulars as soon as you start thinking about these positions.  Choose the ones that you want the most and match your personal career goals, and begin to search online, ask others you know, and do some personal reflection or soul searching.  I have found that one can never do too much questioning.  You need to dig in to the specifics and wash away all that vagueness.  Find your magic number and defend it!  As a previous English major, it almost feels to me like writing a college essay: forming a thesis and providing evidence to prove it throughout the paper.  Not to toot my own horn, but I truly think that English majors are prepared for much more than just writing and reading; their training can be applied to a large variety of different positions and life events. 

On another note, I want to share an update from another article I wrote.  This article detailed the depressing current status of job training.  I am happy to report that I took a part time job that I was not too excited about, but found that the training created an informed and excited spirit in me.  The training was thorough, personal, friendly, and helpful.  It inspired me.

Every day I am learning more, and noticing how life in a small community applies directly to a new life within a larger community.  I think we are all small community people at heart.