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| A dog who knows her worth. |
One day, in a faraway land called Ohio, there lived a very spoiled dog. She enjoyed listening to her human sister play the piano and her human brother play the guitar-- performances simply and only for her. She enjoyed curling up on soft beds and couches secretly when her human alpha male was away gathering resources for the pack and licking up the last of the yogurt in the small containers that she held skillfully between her perfectly-groomed, fluffy paws.
Honey never understood why the humans with which she resided enjoyed watching her walk around in a circle, but she did so often because it meant she would receive a very artificial but muzzle-licking-good snack that was entirely too little. She also never understood why they asked her to "speak" but then when she knew there was a threat to the house, was asked to "be quiet!" One threat she especially loathed was the population of local squirrels because of their taunting antics. These bushy-tailed mice knew the exact distance at which they could sit in order to be out of her reach and sat in this region flicking their tail at her often. There was also one squirrel in particular that scratched out his own eye in order to receive the sympathy of her human grandfather who fed the squirrel instead of Honey on many occasions.
Most of the squirrels in the land in which Honey lived where of brown and gray hues. Honey's human sister told her stories of the rare black squirrel in a place called Bluffton that made her blood boil. These squirrels were even more pestering and more EVIL, even breaking into the generators to take the electricity away from the humans off of which they lived. Honey also hated this place called Bluffton because it was apparently some sort of black hole that caused her human sister to be swept away from the pack for months at a time.
Honey knew that when her human sister started enslaving the rest of the pack to help her load canvas-wrapped items in the fun transportation machine that she would again be sucked into another alternative universe. This place was hell-ridden with smart alec black squirrels and a fake beaver that could stand on two legs and wore a purple shirt. This beaver haunted Honey's thoughts and dreams because of its unfluctuating expression complete with a mad scientist-esque smile that looked much like this. --> >:) Please turn your head to the left to get the full effect.
Many nights, Honey's pack witnessed her running from this demonic, bipedal, human-sized rodent in her sleep. Honey's poor, skinny legs convulsed in the air and she wrinkled her nose, moving her whiskers about in horror.
One outlet that Honey used to cope with such fearsome images was food. She heard her human alpha male call her a "food maniac," but she did not think of such a term as derogatory. She went on frequent visits to her alpha male's parents' home which she utilized as her own personal restaurant. She charmed the elderly couple with her tail-wagging and hand-licking strategies that oddly seemed to please the humans into giving her whatever she wanted. She even received her own bowl by the warm, slitted wall that contained pristine, purified water refrigerated to the perfect cold temperature and had her own stash of candy that Honey made human grandfather keep guarded next to his own throne.
Honey enjoyed the cooler weather because of her all-natural, luxurious fur coat of which she was in possession since she was born. With this coat she was able to spend long periods out in the snow that caused her inferior humans to shiver. Her human sister was especially whiney about the miraculous white material that came from the heavens. Honey would only pant at her with a smiling, secretly-patronizing expression.
Honey's humans often attached her to a chain that they thought restricted her to staying within the yard. What her humans did not know was that Honey knew how to secretly maneuver out of her collar and chain in order to explore the depths of her surroundings. She was caught doing so once in her earlier years living with the humans but acted terribly frightened as she ran back from the busy road she was actually attempting to take over in order to expand her empire. In more recent years, Honey slipped off into other territories more inconspicuously.
This chain was also a threat to Honey because when the humans wished her to come back inside they would tug on it, signaling to her that they wished her to grace them with her magnificent presence. Oftentimes, however, the canine did not feel the need to oblige them and would tighten up her neck and plant herself stubbornly in her snowy throne. She was a snow goddess and no one was going to reposition her celestial body. Snow was only another method of charm because when she pranced around in it, ate it, and allowed it to gracefully cover her body as she proudly stuck up her black nose, the humans would oooo and ahhhhh, coming at her with devices that flashed light at her that only annoyed her into moving her head to the other side. She would not permit the annoying devices to steal views of her hypnotic beauty.
The outside chain was hooked up to a piece of clothing that her humans called her "Menards collar." They attached little accessories to it that caused Honey to annoyingly jingle as she walked. Eventually, the canine saw the device as a way to announce her impending presence-- like the trumpets that she so clearly deserved. Something strange that occurred was when the humans would take off the "Menards collar" and giggle saying that she looked so funny and "naked." This angered Honey very much because she had spent a lot of money on the fur coat that she wore every day and wondered how the stupid humans did not notice. She figured that their tastes were far too peasant-like to appreciate such sophistocation.
Honey has also appointed her human subjects to certain tasks. For instance, the human alpha female is her door opener. When the canine feels the need to rid herself of waste (or even when she just feels like going outside-- no matter the time of day or inconvenience), she uses her nudging strategies to wake the snoring human mother from her peaceful, slumbering state. Honey was even know to bark and scratch at the sleeping beauty until she opened the door to the outside wonderland. Honey loved the outside wonderland and the fun transportation machine so much that sometimes when her humans seemed in a hurry, she would push herself past them when the door was open and fill the outside world with her superior energy. On one particular occasion, Honey even jumped into the fun transportation machine when her humans were trying to go to the cross-topped place where they would stand, sing, sit, hug, shake hands, and listen. This place intrigued her because it seemed that the humans performed much of the same strategies here that she did in order to receive something from a host.
Bow down, humans. This story is unfortunately not of a fictional nature, but authentic, very real... and current. There is a fluffy-haired, cold-nosed snow goddess in our midst and she goes by the alias "Honey Wag-a-Lot." She is able and indeed will use her cuteness and seeminly loving nature to manipulate you into giving her limited treasures such as ear massages and massive amounts of gourmet food. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT be fooled by her gentle nature and kind, light brown eyes. I caution you with wide eyes and hysteria produced by my personal experiences with this canine. Please do not let my testimony fall on deaf ears. Her intelligence is far superior to ours and she WILL capture your heart AND your resources. You will gradually begin to regret the subsequent parasitic relationship that will make you settle in to a miserable, permanently-hosting existence.
The End
Sorry about that-- Needed a silly, creative outlet and this is just what happened. I love my dog and she is the sweetest little canine with no alterior motives-- haha. So happy we rescued her and I've been able to spend the last ten years of my life with her! :)
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